Now on my own sofa, tipping back a beer out of my fridge. The inferno has dwindled but my heart still burns. There is no Solarcaine for this. No Neosporin. Only time, and she is vicious. I know this. She has stung me before.
My husband is asleep next to me and the monitor tells me Rukai is his mirror image upstairs. There are some photos I can look at and others I can not. Most of them make me bawl. All of them make me sad. My Dad is gone. My heart is broken. His likeness goes on everywhere. My son has his exact hair - even looks like a rooster sometimes - and in him I will always see grandpa. Blessings, blessings all around.
Following what was positively the saddest days of my life, I have had a complete 180 - albeit brief - in a hugely triumphant Rukai-ism this afternoon. This caused me to cry in equal buckets as last week, but happy tears. Are they chemically different? Who knows. They are wet and they leave trails. Strange that we have the same reaction to utter devastation and pure unadulterated joy. What are these emotions? Why do I feel them so soundly and my other half can give or take them in what seems at will?
I cannot understand human beings - more so after last week's family drama I will not repeat here - but mystery wrapped in an enigma sandwiched between two nuclear warheads perhaps can define it clear enough.
But back to Rukai, because after all he is what this blog is all about.
I bought him a birthday present for his big day, now what seems a billion years ago. It's this tower thing with balls you jam into the top and they whirl and twirl down a ramp til they fall into a hole. When I left, he wasn't sitting comfortably, still. I wondered how long it would be before he would be able to play with this toy. I showed him a couple times and he didn't seem interested. He wanted to lie down, or try to stand. But sit - no way.
Then I got home.
Late afternoon, work done for the day, I sat on the floor with him in front of me. He is now very comfortable sitting this way, doesn't seem to be falling over in any direction which is a triumph in itself. But oh no, it gets better.
I take a ball. I jam it in the top of the tower. It whirls. It twirls. It drops. I hand it to Rukai.
He leans forward and tries to jam it into the hole.
Open the faucet in my head and step back from the pride explosion.
"Oh Rukai, Rukai mommy is SO proud of you!! Oh my boy!! Oh my God!!" I squeezed him, and passed him the ball again. He lathered, rinsed and repeated. Grinning ear to ear. Enjoying it as much as I was. I nearly keeled over. And again, and again, and again and you get the picture.
A new angel has entered Heaven and is geared up and ready to watch over our boy. If there is nothing else that is keeping me from crumbling into a ball and crying myself empty, it is this.
Thank you Daddy Angel.